I don’t know why, but I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I’ve only been getting about four or five hours of sleep a night for the past few days. I took the dog out to Madras this past weekend to stay with our dear friends James and Regina, giving Sammie a trial run before my trip to Germany. She did just fine with their dogs, which brings some relief knowing she’ll be well cared for while I’m in Europe. And yet, there are still so many things I’ll need to accomplish when I return—especially in preparation for Lisa’s Celebration of Life, which will be held at Stone Circle Cider Co. on March 28, 2026.
I’ve been slowly reintroducing music back into my life. Since Lisa passed away, I had only been listening to German Neue Deutsche Härte and heavy metal—anything to avoid emotional triggers. Today, though, I started listening to one of my favorite bands, Hooverphonic. I began the morning with No More Sweet Music, which, in hindsight, may not have been the best choice to cue up at 5:40 a.m., before my morning cup of coffee. It had been a week or two since I last had a gut-wrenching cry—the kind that comes from feeling the utter emptiness and absence of Lisa. This album, as beautiful as it is, sparked another one. I miss her beyond words.
It has been almost six months now—six months on February 21st. I can function better these days, much more so than in the early weeks after she was gone. But I know I will never be the same. I know my heart will always carry pain, and I will always feel like less than half of who I was when she was here. The house feels strange and foreign, and all I want to do is get out and travel.
It is so very difficult living without her.
I remember a moment about a year ago when a financial realization she had brought tears to her eyes. She said she was happy to know that I would be okay after she was gone. That may be true in some practical sense—but I am anything but okay without her. The hardest part is living without her. Still, I keep trying to rediscover myself and to do the things she and I had wanted to do together.
Today, the tears flow like a river.